J Date

"Ok, Cupid."

That is what the Jew yelled from the rooftops this weekend. Instead of spending V-Day at home e-bidding on the knife that stabbed Paul Pierce, the Jew decided it was time for some lady friending. Here's how I imagine the date went...

The date starts with the Jew picking up his girl and taking her to Burrito King. To her surprise, he goes through the drive-thru backwards. After they order, she asks for money, he says, "Fuck you, you ordered and are closer to the window, you pay."

While eating a romantic meal in the car, he bitches the whole time about how much better Baja Fresh is than Burrito King. Later, he shows her his sweet speaker system that he spent 500 man hours installing himself. She says, "Cool, you should get some spinners and neon lights to match."

On the way home, his girl gives him head, but while she is blowing him, the Jew lets out a horrific Burrito King gasser. She runs out of the car, so he pulls out his gallon jug of Jergen's from the console and polishes himself off.

He debates driving off and leaving her on the curb, but he remembers her saying that she has a hot Asian friend, so he decides to stay. She's crying so he does his best to comfort her, "It's gonna be okay. This reminds me a lot of the tough times I went through. Last year, I tried to pirate the new "Animal Collective" album but no seeds were available. Those were hard times, but I got through it."

She starts to perk up, so he asks if he can get the Asian friend's number. She asks why and he explains that he is doing a "girls with no asses calendar" and Asians are ideal models for it. He gets the number and kicks the girl in the stomach. He blames her for scuffing his beloved Puma shoes (major inside joke here, KC loves shoes), and tells her to scram, while he heads home to scan Plenty of Fish for his next victim.