There's nothing wrong with spending Xmas day with a hooker, right? Instead of presents under the tree, I'll be leaving an envelope on the night stand. While children are hoping they don't get clothes, I'll be hoping Santa doesn't bring me another tranny. But if he does, I'll make do (give me those ribs). Xmas is a time for positivity and getting a tranny is not always a bad thing. It makes your next girl that much better. You are just so happy to see that vagina, it turns a 2.5 into a 10.
Prostitution really is the gift that keeps on giving. For days, I'll be scrappin' to my lady caller while making cumsies into a new Van Heusen sweater. Perhaps I'll turn on some Xmas music and remember her cigarette-like fragrance. It was so sweet when she grabbed my balls upon arrival to make sure I wasn't a cop. We even shared a laugh when I asked for discounted anal because I have the genitals of an 8-year-old boy.
I'm reminded of the day Jesus was born in Bethlehem because a hooker always brings 3 wonderful gifts: low self-esteem, a history of molestation, and an understanding that she needs to be out the door within 30 seconds of me making cumsies.
When the clock strikes midnight, the special day will be over. I'll be so disgusted with myself, I'll probably attempt to hang myself from the living room beam. Before I do, right next to where it says, "Brooks was here," I'll carve, "So was the Chipotle Kid." I guess I didn't get my happy ending after all (wocka wocka).
Isn't "Shawshank" narrated by Freeman though???
ReplyDeleteYou gotta be prepared if you happen to bag a 2.5. Best thing to do is stuff her through a 2nd story window where she falls onto a pile food. I like to mix in salad and donuts just to see her ignore the salad.
Or just kill her. I've killed seven without a single question. They are the most unmissed species on Earth.
By the way, here is a tip on the best way to kill your girl. Cruise liner. Pushing a tipsy woman off a balcony at about 3 AM is flawless. Best night of sleep of your life while thinking of a Tiger Shark circling her. When the authorities question you in the morning, tell them, "Last time I saw her, she was having a cocktail and sitting on the balcony rail. I told her to be careful"
ReplyDeleteI really look forward to these posts, CK, but this one was pretty weak. I was hoping "cumsies" was a one-time term, but no such luck. Sounds like something Blake would say, right after purposely falling on a deck to make a handful of 4's laugh AT him.
ReplyDeletePile food? Watch her scramble for doughnuts instead of salad? Did A-Team re-runs distract you at this point? I know you have a lot of material, friend. Don't force it.
Dodongo, no need to tell me when something sucks, I have said before the whole blog sucks and it is all forced.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "cumsies" line, it is an Eastside Dave line. And Ron Bennington approves, and with all due respect, you have nothing on the great Ron Bennington.
You could always go with some sexual asphix and just tell your hooker to keep going after you shoot your load. Or just have her kick the chair out for ya after you stiff her on the bill.
ReplyDelete- Possible Possible