Sexist Machine

I always get a kick out of reading women's ads on Internet dating sites. The ads are a perfect example of the complete lack of creativity exhibited by females. Historically, women have not been forced to think much. Why think when you can just use your vagina to get whatever you want? That lack of brain power has provided some great lines that are often used in the ads...

1. "I'm funny."

I admit one out of million women who write this is telling the truth. The other 999,999 are gravely mistaken. The bottom line is women don't need to be funny, but they need to recognize when they hear something that is. They also need to be cool enough to laugh when their boyfriend makes fun of them. What ad should say, "I laugh easily and don't take myself too seriously."

2. "I'm an intellectual."

Sure you are. Intellectual people typically don't declare that they are so. What makes you an intellectual sweetie? Do you publish articles on string theory or do you read Toni Morrison books and watch "Sex and the City?" What ad should say, "Dan Brown is my favorite author."

3. "I'm a strong, independent woman."

Aw shit, one of the best. Seen in an abundance of ads. Apparently, there has never been a weak and dependent woman who signed up for online dating. This line makes my point better than any other about women not thinking. Why would these dummies all write that they are strong and independent? If every guy on earth wrote a list of the most important qualities they looked for in a woman, neither of those would ever make the top 100. What is even more maddening is most women aren't independent. Their idea of independence is remaining single for a few weeks before losing their mind and crying that they don't have a boyfriend. What ad should say, "If I'm one of the few women that is truly strong and independent, then I won't mention it here because no man would ever care."

4. "I'm highly opinionated" .

What a smart thing to write. You would be better off writing, "An alligator and a shark live inside my pussy." Sure, most guys would like a bright girl, but writing you are opinionated is insane. I cannot think of anything less attractive than an opinionated woman. What ad should say, "Sometimes I have opinions, but I am working on that problem."

5. "I'm laid back and easy going."

Another great one that is seen in many ads. Ladies love saying this about themselves because they think it is hip. In reality, most women are far from easy going. What ad should say, "I nag less than most women."